Damn, I am in the mood for jokes jokes and more jokes :D
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A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."
Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.
Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."
Mrs Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."
Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."
Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."
Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me.You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."
Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first"
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."
Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny: "Arrow."
Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
"MASTURBATING."(master bathing)
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Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"
Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
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Ways to Answer Pick-up Lines
Haven't we met before?
Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Your place or mine?
Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.
I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
I can tell that you want me.
Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave.
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Deng Xiaoping is visiting the US. Tired of being shadowed by his entourage at all times, he decides to go for a walk on his own. This alarms his translators and bodyguards who fear that Mr. Deng will get into trouble since he does not speak any English. However, realizing that they cannot change his mind, they decide to at least prepare him in case he gets stopped by the police. "If you get stopped", they coached him, "they'll first ask for your surname and then they'll ask for your given name. Just tell them and everything will be fine". So Mr. Deng goes out and enjoys himself. A policeman recognizes him. Having heard that Mr. Deng prides himself in his knowledge of American history, he decides to start a conversation with an appropriate subject.
Policeman: Who was the first president of the U.S?
Mr. Deng: Wo xing Deng [我姓鄧: My surname is Deng]
Policeman: Yes, Washington. And what are you doing in the U.S?
Mr. Deng: Xiaoping [小平]
Policeman: Ah, shopping. Very good. Have nice day!.
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Ahaha that shall be all. Off I go! MORE JOKES :D